Know I Still Love You
by HeyHeyHeyPeople
Summary: Know that...I saw you. Know I still love you.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Dear Gar,

In a second for you (a day for me) you'll hear a little knock on the door, and then the small pounding footsteps of me running away.

Leaving everything behind.

I left you a box. It's an old Nike shoe box that holds...all of it.

It isn't incriminating on sight. But ( I hope ) you'll open it up and feel confused, then read this very letter and know.

Know that...I saw you.

Know I still love you.

Ok?

Do you want to know something? The box is heavy. It's heavy. It doesn't hold much. It's filled with roughly a dozen small trinkets.

Do you want to know my theory? The box knows what it's part of.

What's in it.

What it's for.

The box is heavy, because it's sad, is what I'm saying.

The box has every remnant and memento and keepsake from our relationship.

Here's all of it.

A cardboard coffee sleeve,

a slip of paper,

a receipt for the Most Unspeakable Thing I've Ever Done,

a jar of ashes (I'll explain later)

a ball of clay,

that stupid scarve,

an empty bag of soy waffles,

an assortment of tea,

and a bad drawing of you as a cat.

Take it.

Burn it. Add the ashes to the jar.

Keep it.

I don't know.

I just want it all out of my sight.

Please.

I...I'll explain all of them.

Starting from the beginning.

It started with one of Robin's "One-day vacations" he gives us every month or so.

You were acting... as usual, I guess.

Annoying.

"Raavennn, I don't have anything to do! How come I can't go to the bookstore? I can be int-intel-int..."

I was going to the bookstore, my place for when I had no other place to be.

"Intelligent, Beast Boy." I probably should have known right about here, you didn't want the bookstore. You wanted me, as cliche as it was. "And besides, what would you exactly get at the bookstore?"

"I'd...Find stationery." I wouldn't say in person, but the way you said it made me want to laugh. Like going out specifically for stationery was a thing.

"Stationery?" I almost smiled. Almost.

"Well, yeah. They sell like notebooks and paper too, at the bookstore, don't they?" you scratched your head like, if they didn't sell that stuff, you'd be fucked.

Like, "Oh no! Where else will I get my letter writing materials? This is quite a quandary!"

Though you'd never say those exact words.

"Yes, but that sort of thing is for girls."

"Well, I'm gonna find the manliest kind possible. "

So we parted, well, I tried to part, at least.

You followed me, even though all of that stuff you said you wanted was in the opposite direction.

I didn't say anything.

I wish I did.

Maybe this wouldn't have happened and maybe you'd just be happy with Terra instead of me and I'd be content and you'd be content and the Titans wouldn't have to pick sides and...I wouldn't feel so...used up.

I'm sorry I didn't say anything.

After my usual scanning of books, I came up empty.

Then, you said something along the lines of "I'm starving, what's a _man_ gotta do to eat?"

I replied with "Ah, where's this man you're talking about?"

But I walked us to the little cafe they have set up in the store, anyway.

I don't know if you remember, but the cafe's called "Why We're Called Jump City".

It's really cheesy, and I really think they should change it, but the apple turnovers are good.

So I can't complain.

We sat in the corner, by a window.

And you went off, and returned with a cupcake, tea bags, and a cup.

"I got you some hot water." You set it down, shaking your hand as if it would dispel the excess heat. "Uh, I got you different types of tea...Because I don't know what kind you like..."

I was seriously considering crashing Rob and Star's date to tell Starfire about the tea. That was really...sweet.

But in reality, I said thank you, and pinched myself because my mind was being undisciplined.

"Cupcake, hmm? Not very vegan, is it?" I asked, trying to distract my mind from itself.

"Applesauce and almond milk.", you said. I only really got it when I looked it up, to be honest.

Then I remembered to glance at the register. Do you remember the girl working it? That's Casey. She's nice, I suppose. Not really a best friend, more of a casual person-who-I-buy-coffee-from type deal. I tried hanging out with her once, but...She's a big raver. That's not really what I'm into, as you can imagine, Gar.

But anyway, I glanced at the register, and there was Casey. She saw me and perked up a little, and then mimed drinking from a cup.

This is embarassing.

On the cup sleeve, she wrote "Cutest couple EVAR!"

She gave me the thumbs up.

Feeling this was important, I kept the sleeve.

And, before you say anything about us not dating then, I left the store with a crush.

A/N: WHY SO SERIOUS? Sorry, I think I'll be able to write a fic like this better, as I have only had hopeless crushes that never amount to anything. Oh, excuse me, ball of angst comin through...


	2. A Slip of Paper

Disclaimer: Nothing, I do not own.

Next item.

So, we were in high school.

It was September, beginning of the year.

We were all decked out in our specially made holo-jewelry.

Save for Robin, who will forever be remembered as "The Douche In The Sun Glasses"

You remember.

I'm pretty sure you started it actually.

The mission _started out_ easy enough.

Mad Mod, vandilizing history text-books, hypnotizing teachers, students, etc.

See, I really didn't think it would take _that long._

Well, yeah, maybe staying till October long.

Not _"OMG. WINTER FORMAAALLL!1!" _long.

Mad Mod and his damn technology.

But yeah. Everytime we went tracking him down, bell would ring, lone teacher/staff member scoop us up, detention for a week, deterred from finding Mod _even mooore._

And the homework.

It wasn't that I didn't get it; I did fine.

It was _you._

You, every five seconds...

"Hey Rae, maaath..."

"Hey Rae, sciiience..."

"Hey Rae, historyyy..."

"Hey Rae, englishhhh..."

Ugh.

And then it happened.

We were both in Mrs. Bourogh's French class.

Class was usual.

"Class, I will say a phrase, and you, will repeat it in French." I don't know what you think about her, but I think she's okay. Mrs. Bourogh has that whole aunt-who-pinches-your-cheeks-too-hard-but-it's-cool-because-she'll-give-you-candy-when-it's-over type thing going for her.

But anyway, class as usual.

"The boat is on the water." Mrs. Bourogh had her hand in front of the board, dry erase marker in her hand, poised to write.

_"Le bateau est sur l'eau." _I (and the students who wanted to _go_ someplace) said.

Then I heard you behind me.

"Yeah, I'll book some tickets, pack, go to the airport, fly for a bajillion hours, arrive in Paris, and tell a citizen about how his boat is on the water."

All your little "groupies" you gained after a bit at school giggled.

And, this is where you got weird.

You, got your _top groupie, to give me a note._

She wasn't even discreet about it. To be discreet would be to like, pretend to throw away something and put it on my desk.

No.

She got up, chair all screechy, boots all clicky, huge smile, and a "From Garfield!".

It was a paper, that was so small, but held so much.

You...Asked me to winter formal.

I decided no.

Well, yeah, that crush I had on you festered.

But it was the _way_ you asked me.

Oh god. See what you did? You turned me into a girl.

Not only did you ask me in a _note_.

You didn't use _proper sentences._

I was very disappointed in you.

_Winter Formal. 8. Be there._

What kind of person, huh? Come on.

After class, I told you no.

I gave you the whole rap (proper sentences, disappointment, etc.)

You kind of looked at me funny, like maybe I'd burst out in giggles and say "LOL! JK!" like all the other girls.

I shrugged, said "Science." and started walking. You called out "I'll find a better way to ask you! Just wait!"

Oh, Gar.


	3. The Most Unspeakable Thing

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

In true Beast Boy fashion, you found a better way to ask me to the legendary formal.

It was lunchtime, in the "Cafetorium". Auditorium/Cafeteria, as you know.

I was sitting with Starfire (Robin had another lunch period and Cyborg sat with the football team). I would imagine Star enjoyed the whole experience, high school. Adds more to the mystique of being a teenage Earth girl. But around this time, she was gabbing about the Winter Formal and dresses and makeup and stuff I could only nod at...

Anyway, you were on the stage, microphones set up.

"Hem. Hem. Everyone?"

And everything went quiet.

How much of a mark _did_ you make, Gar?

I'd expected at least three tries before you got everyone quiet.

You did it in _one._

"Yes, thank you. Would you please direct your attention to one Rachael Roth, 3rd table."

All eyes were on me. When I look back on it now, it's...like I'm not me.

That Raven was...giddy.

If she knew about what happens...she would've refused.

"Rachael, will you go to the formal with me?"

You squezed faux emotion into every word, kneeling as if proposing marriage.

I nodded. To anyone else, this was me under-reacting. If this was a film, I'd be the dopey girl jumping for joy. But, to me, this was BIG.

You have to know, I loved the theatricality of it all. Even though I hate attention with a passion, this was an exception.

Everyone (except for a few jealous girls) went back to their business.

You sat with me and Starfire, and you were grinning. Not your I-pranked-you or I-made-a-joke grin. It was a genuine grin, that made me melt a little.

I smiled a little, even.

Much to the dismay of the poor soul whose lunch exploded in their faces.

The bell rang, you got _very_ confident, one kiss on the cheek and a "See ya, Rae!" later, there was a school-wide blackout.

So, we got out early.

Thus, me and Starfire went to the Mall of Shopping, a very incredible feat for Star.

This is where the Most Unspeakable Thing I've Ever Done happened.

So, Starfire was picking dresses for the formal, caught between two seemingly identical lavender dresses. But, the second one, as she put it, "Had the rufflies".

So, I was bored.

I bought a dress.

It wasn't very girly. A black so dark it looked like a moonless night.

But it was a dress.

A dress.

A dress I never got to wear because I'd broken up with you.

The receipt is now in the box I give you now.

The dress isn't in here because it cost $40 and I'll be damned if it shows up on Terra.

See what you did to me, Gar?

I hate what you did.

But I love you.

A/N: SO SO SO SO SORRY I HAVEN'T UPDATED. I was reading this book 127 Hours on the Moon. Scared me shitless. MORE ON THE WAY!


	4. Ball of Clay

Disclaimer: Nothing, I do not own

Also, I never got to wear the dress because we never got to the formal.

Mad Mod was captured, so we didn't need to stay in school anymore.

So, Robin signed us out, one per week.

Cy was last. I think Robin felt bad for him. Cyborg had _loved_ being on the football team again.

Starfire was inconsolable. On her last day, she was surrounded by blubbering girls.

"Goodbye! I will talk on the BookFace upon the morrow!" She outstretched a hand to crying girls screaming "Kori!" over and over.

And when she got home she complained to Robin.

"Oh, Robin! Did I really need to leave? I made so many of the girlfriends!" Star's eyes were all puffy from crying.

"Well, it's just, ah, the city needs us and well, you can always visit?" I guess that was the HORRIBLY wrong thing to say, because her lip was trembling.

I just wanted to enjoy freedom, so I went upstairs to my room.

I'm not really sure if you had Art, but Mr. Stanley's class was doing clay.

Mr. Stanley made me feel bad. He was very artistic, and could've become famous, but he was here in Jump instead. Back in room A21, with all of the vandalized chairs covered in silvery painted-on dicks.

Anyway, he let me take home my ball of clay. He had said

"You may be moving away, but work at it. You have _potential._"

I took it to heart.

I tried really really hard to find a project for me to do.

Then I chose to mold my favorite forms of you. I mean, yeah, you're best in your original form, but you were intresting as an animal. It was your whole personality, in a shape looked at as dangerous.

I'd mold a shape, and snap a picture before I started another.

Mold and snap, mold and snap. These were my days.

So here's the clay, worn and smooth in the box.

a/n: Yo, can we just pretend Terra shows up magically and has memory?

Because, I don't particularly like the Terra-shows-up-and-has-memory fics. I just don't like them. And, Terra is a somewhat large component to this story.

PLEASE. I'M NOT DOING SCIENCE HOMEWORK FOR Y'ALL'S ENJOYMENT.


	5. That Stupid Scarf

Winter was my favorite season. I loved the weather. Cold air stinging your lungs, rolling up sleeves and exposing your arms to the outside- it was exhilarating.

You hated winter, and that sort of ticked me off. I mean, it was understandable, what with your inner animal wanting to hibernate, but still.

We dated all through winter. Do you know that? What does it say about our relationship, with you hating the season it took place in?

I bet, when you look back at all this, look back at us, me, you'll remember the cold. The fatigue, waiting to go home and sleep.

I'll remember warmth. Me, buying hot tea to drink and warm my hands, and you, holding your own cup, and pretending to sip.

I'm not sure if that was a sign of your unreliability, but it was well... cute, at the time.

And the scarf I'll remember, of course. The stupid scarf.

We were...Beautifully unconventional. I that's the best way I can describe it, I think. Having a picnic in the park.

Picnic in the park. During winter.

Now, I see it as plain stupid, but then...It was this kind of strange I found exciting.

We walked around, mostly, the bench being too cold to sit on, and the floor being equal parts too cold to sit on. We finally sat on some swings, making me feel creepy, as the seats were thawed by some kid's ass.

I began to eat my coveted apple turnover, and you were picking at some tofu-conconction.

"Alright, Rae. What is this?" You said suddenly, effectively startling me.

"What is what?" I said, wondering if this was a trick of some sort.

"Like, us." You kind of flicked your hand from you to me and back.

"I don't exactly get what you mean." I knew what you meant of course, but I wanted to see you squirm.

"Are we like, a thing?" You saw me raise an eyebrow, and knew you had to explain further. "Ughhh...Rae, are we like...B-boy-fr-friend and g-g-girlfriend?" If I hadn't had better control, I would've kissed you right there. It was more adorable than any cat video Star could ever show me.

"I'd like to think so. "

You smiled and began unwrapping the scarf from your neck.

"What are you doing?" I asked, my voice probably shaking.

"Well, we need to have some sort of ceremony. To make it official." You wrapped the scarf around my neck and beamed. "I declare you, Miss Raven, to be my girlfriend."

I smiled and gave you my beanie. (I meant to bring that up, I'd like the beanie back, thanks.)

"I declare Sir Garfield, to be my dearest boyfriend."

The scarf still smells like you. Too creepy? Too creepy.

You can have it back, do whatever, just take it back.

A/N: I know, I know, pummel me in caps lock, why don't you?


End file.
